Akatsuki Kindergarten
by yosshi
Summary: CRACK.HUMOUR.OOC What would it be like for the Akatsuki when they were in Kindergarten? Featuring: Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, Deidara, Sasori, Orochimaru, Tobi, Hidan, Kakuzu and Leader! CHAPTER 6 NOW UP. Sorry for wait!
1. Chapter 1

**Whoo! I dedicate this chapter to the EDB/SSPC. Power to the Sasuke bashers! … Or some of them / -cough- PLEASE REVIEW. I love reviews!**

**Akatsuki Kindergarten**

Sometimes you would wonder what life was like for the Akatsuki when they were youngsters. Did they hate the world as much as they do now? Did they always want to kill their families and bring terror to their villages? Well, this is why this story was made... to tell you the adventures, and perhaps some misadventures, of the Akatsuki in their pre-academy class.

Four-year-old Itachi sat it his regular position on the ground. He hoped that if he did this, no one would bother him. But no one cared about his hopes, did they? He felt a hard tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to find himself staring in the face of a very creepy looking guy.

"What do you want?" The four-year-old Uchiha prodigy asked.

"I was just uh... wondering... are you a girl... or a boy?"

Itachi was slightly taken aback. No one had ever had the guts to ask such a question.

"Who do you think you are? Asking me a question like that?" He tried to sound intimidating...

"Uh... I-I'm Zetsu."

"I didn't mean like that! I don't care about your name! And why do you have a flower pot on you head?"

Zetsu giggled. "I'm trying to grow it into me, if you know what I mean."

"No, I don't know what you mean. Get the Venus fly trap off of your head! You look like an idiot!"

"You're mean." Zetsu huffed. Apparently he was a very cute little kid... Who would have thought he'd grow up to be one of the most feared ninja's in the world?

"You're weird."

"Let's be friends!"

"... You're desperate."

"Well you look like a girl!"

"Fine,"

"Yay!"

"... Now shut up. I'm meditating."

"How boring. You're four! ... yeah!" Apparently, someone else had been listening to their conversation.

"Oooh! What a pretty girl you are!" Zetsu giggled again. Though he really shouldn't. Because it's freaky.

"Baka, she's obviously a guy." Itachi frowned at his new friend.

"No, I'm a girl!"

"Well uh... what's your name then?"

"Deidara,"

"See, that's a GUYS name."

"DISCRIMINATION!" Deidara yelled, dramatically pointing his finger at Itachi, who snorted. "DON'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE WOMEN WITH MALE NAMES! ... Yeah!"

"You're hardly a woman. First of all, you're four years old, and second of all, you're male!"

"PROVE IT, YOU GIRLY MAN!"

And so the next fifteen minutes consisted of Itachi trying to pull off Deidara's clothes.

"AHHHHHH!" The teacher of the class had just noticed it. "DON'T DO THAT! DON'T TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF! YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG!"

Deidara was screaming in a very feminine like manner. Itachi was completely ignoring the teacher.

"Just-let-me-see!" He yelled over the screaming. "I just want to make sure!"

Deidara screamed some more. Itachi felt some strong hands pull him away. "Get off me! I need to see…" He paused, and looked up to the one who pulled him back.

"Woah…!" He sounded amazed. Why wouldn't he be? "Sasori…!"

"And the great Orochimaru!" (A/N: Yes. I had to bring him in!)

"You're so full of yourself, Oro-chan," Sasori commented in a very cute sounding monotone voice.

"How can I not be? I'm best friend to the great Sasori! Sasori of the red sand!"

"I'm not that amazing," the little red-head blushed.

"Oh but you are…!"

"Okay cut the flattery!" Itachi was getting sick of the tender moment. "Some would think you're a couple!"

"What do you mean a couple?" Orochimaru asked cutely. "We're a good couple! We're the best couple in the school, if you mean couple of friends!"

"You're an idiot,"

"Well you look like a girl!"

"Would everyone quit saying that?"

"It's not our fault that it's true…"

"Why you little…"

"You're shorter than me."

Itachi crossed his arms, and moped because of that. Orochimaru giggled.

"Yay! … Yeah!" Deidara was now overjoyed because no one was trying to rip off his clothes.

But…

"DEIDARA! You're a man, I tell you! A MAN!"

"…" Deidara sniffled. Perhaps the rumors were true… maybe… maybe he really was a man, after all.

He could feel someone patting him on the back. "Tobi is a good boy!" the person said, then ran away really fast.

Deidara coughed. "Who the hell was that? … Yeah!"

"NO CUSSING IN MY CLASS, YOUNG GIRL!"

"Sorry, Ma'am… And by the way, I'm a man now… Yeah!"

"Oooh. So you can choose what gender you are?" Itachi was now rather intrigued by the man/girl.

"No, you idiot, you make it seem like being a girl is a bad thing so now I'll be a man! … Yeah!"

"But you are actually a man so it shouldn't matter."

"Am not,"

"Are too,"

"Am not,"

"Are too,"

"You're so immature! … Yeah."

"Shut up, Deidara!"

"Let's be friends!"

"… You're desperate."

"Well you look like a girl."

"Fine,"

"Yay! … Yeah!"

"Now shut up, I have to do my work!"

"But… Ita-kun… we have no work today! It's the first day of kindergarten!" Zetsu commented.

"Did you just call me Ita-kun?" You could literally see fire in the little Uchiha's eyes.

"Yeah, is that a problem? I think it sounds really cute!"

"…" Itachi didn't respond.

"I am better than all of you!" Said a very majestic sounding voice.

"…Yeah righ--…!" Itachi turned around, and the thing he saw was unlike anything he had ever seen in his life. So magnificent… so wonderful…

"I shall be your leader."

"Yes." All of the children responded, sounding as if they were hypnotized.

"You shall obey my every command!"

"Yes."

"You shall get me my teddy bear and a nice, hot cup of coco."

"Ye—wait… huh?"

"I like my teddy bear, and I have lost it, so please get it for me."

Deidara looked at his hands, which seemed to have mouths on them. "I can't pick it up. My hands don't obey me right now and they seem to like the taste of teddy bears… yeah!"

"That's… horrible!" The leader cried out. "Just leave him be, he'll be happier somewhere else!"

"Mhm," Deidara snickered. "So we're like a gang now, right? … Yeah!"

"I guess so," The leader responded.

"So we need an outfit! And a name!"

--

**END!**

**YAY.**

**Weird story with a lot of inside jokes no one will understand. But I had this story idea a while ago, and I'm happy I finally came out with it! Yay! This'll probably be a little longer than any of my other stories published, because it's something I'll keep adding to. **


	2. Operation: NAMES!

**Yay. Chapter 2. I dedicate this chapter to JESS! MY SENSEI! ILY. –cough-**

**Akatsuki Kindergarten 2**

They all sat in separate areas of the room, away from each other as to not be distracted. Their quest for now was to come up with a new uniform for their new gang.

"Hm. Perfect." Itachi muttered as he perfected his new genius idea.

"YOU'RE THINKING TOO LOUD!" Deidara yelled at himself.

"Eh?" Zetsu looked up from his masterpiece. "Who's thinking too loud?"

"What?" Sasori and Orochimaru glanced over from their project.

"Get back to work…!" And there was their honorary leader.

"Yes, leader," They all replied, getting back to work.

---

After a few hours of whatever came closest to silence, they were all sitting in a circle, ready to present their ideas. The leader thought it was best that Itachi went first.

"For a very long time I planned this," the Uchiha started. "And I finally came up with a military uniform, with little snipers made just for our little hands!"

"What the hell is a sniper? … Yeah." Deidara asked, confused.

"NO CUSSING IN MY CLASS, YOUNG BOY!" The teacher yelled.

"Yes, ma'am,"

"Well, I don't exactly know what a sniper is." Itachi blushed. "I just find it a very funny word."

"Hn. You're weird. And… your idea sucks! Next!" The leader smacked Itachi on the side of the head and turned to Sasori and Orochimaru.

"Well," Sasori blushed. "Oro-chan and I came up with this one together! We think it's really cute!"

Orochimaru held up a sheet of paper. Upon it was drawn a traditional looking wizard.

"Uh… That's really cute! But I think it would be pla… plagur-something… plagur… uh… You know what I mean. Isn't that like… against the law?" Leader asked.

"I don't know! But we think it's cute!" Sasori giggled, and so, Orochimaru giggled.

"You guys… are so cute! Okay! Now it's my turn!" Zetsu was eager to show off his creation. To him, it was the most amazing and cool thing he had ever done.

"Uh, Zetsu. It's cute and all, but I don't want to walk around dressed as a flower…" Itachi stated bluntly. The others nodded in agreement.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"Good suggestion, Tobi!" Deidara praised.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yay! My turn!" Deidara said enthusiastically. He held up his sheet of paper, and on it was… a long black cloak with little red flowers on them. "I got help drawing the flowers, but I think it's a really good idea!" He said happily.

"Okay. Okay. Deidara-chan's seems like the only good idea, so we'll go with that!"

---

Some minor adjustments had to be made on Deidara's design. No one could figure out how to draw the flowers, so they decided to make them little red clouds instead. Once they were all in their apparel, they decided that they'd add more to make it look interesting.

"I think we should have rings! Little red ones to match the clouds! It'd be really cute!" Sasori suggested.

"GREAT IDEA SASORI-CHAN!"

"THANKS, ORO-CHAN!"

"SHUT UP YOU TWO!"

"Fine, leader." The two friends sat down next to each other and moped.

"The rings are a good idea. Let's also have really awesome hats! With little bells to tell people when we're here!" Zetsu tried.

"No! That's SO NOT COOL! Let's wear little shark head things!" A new voice had spoken up. The kids looked to see who it was.

"AAAAH!" Deidara emitted a high-pitched girly scream. "It's a man/shark!" (A/N: Yes, Kristen-nii-chan, I did this to bug you --)

"I'm not a man/shark! I'm half man, half shark! My mom says it's a 'genetitic…tic condition' … But I don't think so at all! I can live above water, and below it! Yay!" The blue kid seemed awfully hyper. Itachi didn't like this.

"Uh… Why are you here?" He asked coolly.

"Because, I've decided, I want to be an honorary member of your little group! I saw your outfits and I thought they'd match my… my… my blueness!"

"You're a weird one."

"Let's be friends!"

"You're desperate."

"Well you look like a girl!"

"Fine,"

"YAY!"

"… Weren't we going to pick a name?" Itachi tried to change the subject.

"Yeah! Let's be… THE POLLINATORS!" Zetsu suggested enthusiastically.

"But uh… Zetsu-chan… you're the only one who pollinates." Deidara pointed out.

"Well, we can all have little flowers on our heads! Then we can all pollinate!"

"NO!" The group yelled in unison.

"I know. Let's just be called the 'scary gang'" Sasori tried.

"No, that sounds too scary! I'm scared! Let's be called the 'happy gang'" Deidara jumped up and down out of pure enthusiasm for his idea.

"Sounds too happy. Let's call ourselves the… Akatsuki!" The leader liked his suggestion the most.

"The Aka-what?" But obviously no one else could say the name.

"A-ka-tsu-ki. Not that hard."

"Erm. Okay."

"So, now that we have a name, I am going to… give you awesome names for within the gang! Okay!" Leader looked around for inspiration.

"Itachi, you will be… uh… I know! You will be 'The one who thinks he's better than he actually is!' …!"

"Thanks, you know, for the awesome name and such." Itachi said sarcastically.

"No problem. Deidara… you will be… 'The man who thinks he's a girl!'"

"Yay!" Deidara obviously approved of his name.

"Zetsu… you will be… you will be the 'One who wishes he was a plant!'"

"But but… I don't wish I'm a plant, I AM a plant." Zetsu pouted.

"If you say so. Orochimaru. You'll be… 'The one that is way too obsessive over Sasori!'"

"Yay!"

"And Sasori… you'll be the… the… 'One that has an over-obsessive stalker!'"

"Yay!" Sasori and Orochimaru hugged each other tight.

"Kisame shall be… be… you shall be the 'Honorary member!'"

"Yay!" Kisame squealed in joy. "But uh… How do you know my name? Are you magic?"

"No, it's called a register."

--

**END AYAYAY… Horrible chapter. It'll get better once I find some more random insane ideas.**

**YES. I KNOW THE AKATSUKI ARE ALL DIFFERENT AGES! This is a CRACK story. Okay? **

**And uh… I know this chapter is short. But… URMOMSSHORT. OH BURN! So ha. :D **

**Yeah. REVIEW PLEASE! I like reviews. **


	3. Operation Show & Tell!

**WHOO HOO. Chapter 3! I dedicate this chapter to Emi-sama because it consists of some of our inside jokes and she's such an inspirational leader. --**

**WHUTEVUR. Read&Review! **

**Akatsuki Kindergarten chapter 3**

A few days went by. The Leader forgot that he didn't name Tobi, and decided that Tobi's name would be Tobi, AKA the Good Boy. No one could really tell whether or not Tobi approved of this or not, because all he said in reply was "Tobi is a good boy."

Well, just yesterday, the teacher of their class informed them that Monday would be Show-and-Tell day. After they had figured out what Show-and-Tell meant, they were very excited. But there was one problem. They had no idea what to bring to show their class.

"Remember," the teacher reminded them. "Nothing too dangerous, you don't want to hurt anyone."

"Damn." Most of the class members had cursed. They were probably planning on bringing their 'cute' mutant bunny rabbits or something.

And so the newly formed Akatsuki gathered together, and brainstormed their ideas. Zetsu was having problems figuring out which life story he should tell Deidara was trying to figure out what he was going to wear that day (He hadn't even got around to the whole choosing the item part) and Itachi was wondering if they allowed pets to these things…

Sasori and Orochimaru already had their idea. They were going to explain to the class how good their life was together as friends. And… they had decided they would hold hands during it.

Kisame was holding up something peculiar. Those interested surrounded it. "What is that?" Deidara asked confused.

"YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kisame yelled before running off with his object.

The leader coughed. "The phoo. He's de-ranked for being a phoo."

"Is 'phoo' your new word leader?" Itachi asked with an eyebrow raised.

"So what if it is, you phoo?" Leader responded in his new… 'Tone of voice'

"I… was just asking."

"Phoo,"

"…"

Time went by in a flash. So fast I couldn't even see it, so I can't write about it.  It was now time for what the Akatsuki called 'The performances that would reflect the most on their future careers'.

So now, a young boy named something that isn't important was showing the class his favorite teddy bear. Zetsu had fallen asleep, after, of course, he applauded loudly.

"Oi, Zetsu-chan, you phoo, wake up!" A voice commanded.

"Yes, LEADER!" Zetsu shot up.

"I'm not the leader you phoo."

"Oh, sorry, Ita-kun."

"Uchiha Itachi! You're next!" The teacher called.

Itachi stood up and went to the front of the class. "…" He stood there for ten minutes straight, doing absolutely nothing.

After he sat down, everyone applauded him crazily. "WHOOHOO! ITACHI CAN STAND STOCK STILL FOR TEN WHOLE MINUTES!" The class yelled in unison. Obviously pets weren't allowed to these things.

"Okay, Deidara… You're next!" Deidara shot excitedly up from his chair. He stood up in front of the class and held up his hands for all to see.

"I have mouths on my hands! … Yeah!" He exclaimed. "Their names are… are… I don't really know what their names are, yeah; I haven't quite gotten around to naming them quite yet." He sighed, and then continued. "I don't know how I got them; I think it may have been a birth defect, yeah. MAKE FUN OF THEM, AND THAT'S DISCRIMINATION AGAINST THE PEOPLE WITH MOUTHS ON THEIR HANDS! But uh… yeah. They're very useful and my daddy says that they'll be very helpful if I want to become an artist, yeah! I don't really know how to, though."

A timid child in the fourth row of chairs put his hand up. "Um, excuse me, Deidara-chan, but I'm curious… c-can you make out with your hands?" (A/N: YES EMI I HAD TO ADD IT XD … Inside joke…)

"Uh… what do you mean?" Deidara asked slightly confused.

"Well, I mean, like kiss your hand."

"Uhm. I haven't tried it yet…"

"Oh, okay!"

"Deidara sit down, you phoo! You're taking too long!"

"YES LEADER!" Deidara sat down in his chair and watch as Zetsu went to the front, and was sent back because it wasn't his turn.

"Orochimaru, you're up."

And so, Orochimaru made his way up to the front, pulling Sasori with him.

"We're here to tell you a magnificent story! The story of a friendship so strong, it might even be love!"

"SIT DOWN!" Someone obviously didn't want to hear it.

"NO!" Orochimaru yelled back. "This story is one for the history books!" He sighed happily. "Well, we made friends on the first day of this pre-academy class! That was two weeks ago! Such a long friendship! Anyways, ever since then we've been inseparable! At least that's what my mum says, I'm unsure of what it means."

"That's great. Your story sucks. NEXT!" (A/N: You have to feel sorry for him… ;-;)

This time it was actually Zetsu's turn. "I have a story to tell, about how a man can become one with a plant!" He took a deep breath. "…"

"It's just another stupid story! Show us some items!" The class yelled in unison. Quite the feisty bunch of Kindergarteners, they were.

"IHAVEANITEM!" All the class could see was a blue blur circling them, and then Kisame materialized at the front, holding up a fish tank with a single goldfish in it. It wasn't moving… "WAHHH! IT'S DEAD! IT'S DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDD!" He wailed waving it in the air.

"OH NOES! THE FISH IS DEAD!" Zetsu wailed too, which started the whole Akatsuki except Itachi, who was wondering why he even stuck to this group. Probably because he looked like a girl and no one else wanted to be his friend… but no one needed to know that one.

The next little while consisted of everyone trying to comfort Kisame for the loss of his fish, and Tobi's way of comfort which was his extremely comforting comment: "Tobi is a good boy…"

--

**END CHAPTER.**

**YAY. Finally another chapter finished. Sorry for the wait, and sorry for that wait being pointless because this was a crappy chapter Next chapter will be interesting. **

**Thanks Emi-sama for being a great inspiration for Leader! (I'm using her personality as an outline for him, seeing as she's such a great leader and all!) Uhm… yeah! REVIEWPLS. I still love my reviews, and that will never change, so I don't know why I tell you every chapter. Oo **

**-Melissa. (The Honorable Literate One) **


	4. Operation: Zetsu's babies

**I dedicate this to Flamey because it's her birthday - LOVE YOU! Your other fiction will be done soon … as soon as I get my summative and exams done. **

**Oh, and WARNING: Offensive terms used. ... Yeah! And I don't own the Akatsuki... as much as I wish I did... YEAH! READ AND REVIEW **

**Akatsuki Kindergarten chapter 4**

Everything was quiet in the Akatsuki lair (more commonly known as the classroom). Nothing had happened to them in like, a week. It was slightly obvious that they were getting VERY bored.

"I think we should finger paint," Deidara suggested.

"Butbut! I don't want to get paint in my pores!" Zetsu complained.

"Do hands even have pores?" Itachi asked. He had always wondered that…

"I don't know! Let's make that our new MISSION!" Kisame exclaimed enthusiastically, waving his new fish tank in the air. He had gotten over the death of his last fish rather quickly…

Well, actually, his mother told him the fish didn't actually die and gave birth to another one for him to keep.

ANYWAYS…

The mission to find out if hands had pores went by rather fast. They gave up out of boredom.

A question had been nagging at Leader's head for a few minutes now. It was driving him crazy. He couldn't ask it though! It's sinful! There is no way he could ask that!

"Zetsu, how do you make babies?" He asked.

Zetsu's eyes lit up. "What a question! I shall ponder this because ALAS! I have no idea."

"That's not helpful."

Zetsu cowered. Apparently Leader had a very intimidating stare…

"O-okay, we'll make it our new mission!" He squeaked.

And so, again, like usual, how persistent. … It was the start of a new mission.

They were very young, so all you perverts… don't get excited. First, they asked the teacher.

"Eh, Sensei, where do babies come from?" Zetsu asked timidly.

"AH YOU FREAKY CHILD! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" The teacher screamed. Sadly, Zetsu didn't move an inch; he just stood there waiting patiently for an answer.

"Uh, well." The teacher eventually gave into the cuteness… "When two people love each other very much… they… lie next to each other and well… a baby is made…"

"Ah, really, yeah? My mommy told me that they don't ONLY lie next to eac--…" Deidara started.

"AH DON'T CONTINUE YOU PATHETIC CHILD!" The teacher screamed.

"… yeah, yeah." Deidara went silent.

"But I lie next to mommy all the time!" Kisame interjected. "How come she never had one of my babies?"

The poor teacher. "It's because it's gross to have babies with your mothers." She said simply.

"Oh, really? Oops…" Orochimaru hid his baby behind his back…

"EW OROCHIMARU!" Sasori gasped. "I HAVE ONE TOO!" He held up his own baby…

Haha, they fooled you all. They play with dolls, they don't actually have babies.

Aaaand they still had to figure out how Zetsu had his babies.

--

The next morning, they gathered into their regular circle and discussed the events of the past night.

"You don't even WANT to know what I did with Sasori last night!" Orochimaru exclaimed.

"I'm sure we don't, yeah." We can all guess who said that.

"Well I found out how I make babies!" Zetsu said excitedly. "My mommy says I don't even need a partner because I'm partly female! Apparently, I reproduce ASEXUALLY! I make my OWN babies!"

"That is so COOL!" The rest of the group surrounded him and bowed for his awesomeness.

"Now I'm bored, yeah." Deidara moaned. "Let's find something else to do."

…

"Ah FUCK!" Someone yelled at the other side of the classroom. The Akatsuki gasped in the pure shock of hearing that word. "This FUCKING HURTS."

"It's only a paper cut, Hidan, calm down!" the sweary-kids friend said hurriedly.

"Wow that kid has GUTS!" Sasori and Orochimaru exclaimed.

"Let's let him in the Akatsuki!" Leader said eagerly.

The shy group approached the newcomers.

"What do you like to do for fun?" Zetsu asked them.

"Kill people." Hidan replied simply.

"Make MONEY! Make lots and lots of MONEY!" The other er… shouted… enthusiastically.

"What's your name, money-person?" Itachi asked.

"Ka…Kaka… Kaku…"

"The loser can't pronounce his own name," Hidan kicked his friend in the shins… if he had any. "His name is Kakuzu. NOT THAT HARD!"

"Kaka…ku…" The others in the Akatsuki were having troubles too.

"Idiots, I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!"

"Hey, Hidan," Zetsu noticed something the others hadn't… "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Draco Malfoy and you talk like a trucker?"

"Who the hell is Draco Malfoy, and what the hell is a trucker?" Hidan responded.

"Draco Malfoy is basically … well he looks like you! And uh, a trucker is someone who swears a lot. My mommy told me to avoid them. She says they run little kids over." He started sobbing at the idea.

"You're a sissy, Zetsu. You're de-ranked." Leader chastised then turned to Hidan. "We are recruiting you into the Akatsuki. You kill people for fun? Okay! You can kill people for us! The next teacher who gives us homework…"

"BANG! THEY'RE DEAD!" Hidan shouted happily.

"How much will we get paid?" The one known as Kakuzu asked.

"Who said you were joining, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"If I FUCKING join then he FUCKING joins!" Hidan said threateningly.

"NO CUSSING IN MY CLASS!" The teacher screamed.

"YOU'RE NEXT ON MY LIST, LADY!" Hidan screamed back.

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU!"

The class went silent.

"Well, you may not know this, but a new student will be joining us tomorrow." The teacher said proudly. "He's younger than the rest of you, so you have to be nice to him. He might be very timid around you guys."

"Pfft, timid my ass," Itachi snorted.

"NO CUSSING IN MY CLASS!"

"…"

"Anyways, I'm putting some people in charge of looking after him during the first few weeks he's here. Anyone up to it?"

No one put their hands up… except…

"WE'LL DO IT! WE'LL DO IT!" Zetsu and Deidara screamed.

Itachi smacked his forehead. They were in for it now.

--

**Aha, end chapter.**

**SORRY it took me so long to update ;; Not only was I busy with my other stuff, but I COMPLETELY lost inspiration and NOW I FEEL BAD.**

**My surprise for next chapter is probably very obvious by now**

**And uh, those who commented about Hidan and Kakuzu, I wasn't that far in the manga when I started this, so… yeah! I've added them in now. **

**Review please! I love my reviews. **


	5. Operation: Entrance Test

**Akatsuki Kindergarten chapter 5.**

They were all so excited when they found out their new classmate was a relative of their good friend Itachi. Well, Itachi wasn't so excited but who could blame him?

"We'll be good friends!" Deidara was telling the feisty toddler named Sasuke.

"Hehe! Sasuke giggled. He was cute some could say…

Until; "GYAAAAAAAHHH I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING FREAK OF NATURE!" Hidan had just discovered the beautiful 'gift' Sasuke left on his beautiful new cloak.

"NO CUSSING IN MY CLASS KID!" The teacher yelled.

"YOU'RE STILL ON MY LIST, LADY!"

"I'LL EXPEL YOU GOD DAMNIT!"

"IT'S ALL LIES! I'LL GET YOU FIRED YOU UGLY BITCH."

"I'M CALLING YOUR MOTHER!"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Every kid is afraid of his mother. Hidan cannot be made fun of for /that/.

"So Sasuke…" Deidara was still immersed in his conversation with Sasuke who had disappeared quite some time ago. "I've decided upon names for my hands. I name my left one Percy, and the right one Edward. Recently I've been quite obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine!"

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi was the only one listening, and obviously shared Deidara's obsession with the amazing trains.

Leader had been doing some thinking. As sneaky as the new two year old was, he might not really be cut out for the Akatsuki. So he decided to put him through a test.

"Okay members of my group! We are going to put Sasuke through a test! First stop; the bank!"

"DO NOT LEAVE MY CLASSROOM YOU CRAZY CHILDREN!"

But sadly, this time she was ignored. The little kids filed out of the classroom one by one and the teacher was way too lazy to follow them out.

Once they arrived at their destination which was about a block from their school, Leader pulled out the microphone he got free in his McDonalds Happy Meal. "We are going to rob this bank! But first I will issue you your weapons." He pulled a bag out of absolutely nowhere and each member grabbed their weapon. "Use them only when you need to! They are dangerous!"

"YEAH WE GET TO KILL PEOPLE WHOOOO!" Hidan loved the idea.

"Yeah…. Suuure." Leader nodded. "AKATSUKI, ENTER!"

So Deidara climbed on Itachi who climbed on Zetsu who climed on Leader to twist the doorknob to actually get into the bank.

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" Kakuzu yelled enthusiastically.

"We're not at the desk yet, yeah!" Deidara mentioned.

So once they arrived at the desk…

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!"

The teller could do nothing but laugh. "Little kids crack me up these days." She said happily.

"YEAH? WELL IF YOU DON'T HAND OVER THE MONEY _I'LL_ CRACK _YOUR_ **HEAD** UP!" Hidan screamed.

"Oh, well," The Teller was having a good day and some humor was making it just that much better.

"Are you going to give us the money or not?" Itachi asked in a bored tone.

"Heheh, no."

"THAT'S IT MINIONS, PULL OUT THE GUNS!" Leader yelled.

"OKAY!" So the kids all pulled a gun out of their cloaks.

"READY, SET………… SQUIRT!!!!!!!"

In perfect synchronization, the Akatsuki members squirted the teller wherever they could hit her.

Well, except Sasuke, who was still shaking his because the sloshing water was a very cool sound.

"YEAH! WE ARE SO HARD YO!" Zetsu was very enthusiastic because water actually came out of his.

"Yeah! Orochimaru said happily. "My water went the furthest!"

"No it didn't mine did!" Sasori argued.

"Lies. MINE IS FURTHEST!" Orochimaru retorted.

And the argument went on and on until…

"I'm DUMPING YOU OROCHIMARU!" Sasori yelled. "You're not worth my very important time and space."

"Fine! I'll go find new friends!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

So something horrific just happened. The loving relationship between two beautiful friends had come to a closure.

Orochimaru left the bank and Sasuke was slingshotted after him because he failed the test.

"Security." The forgotten bank telled said into the intercom.

This part was blocked out for the little kids…

….

…….

"You tried to rob a bank with WATER GUNS?" Their teacher looked amused. "You amuse me."

"LET'S SEE YOU DO BETTER DICKWAD." Hidan had issues. No point in denying it.

"OKAY!" the teacher ran from the classroom. She returned a few minutes later with a $5.00 bill and a liquid that looked very close to blood on her shirt…

"Crazy woman, yeah. I'll keep away from her now." Deidara noted.

A long time passed after this because it turned out the teacher was a crazy murderer… and got convicted but was let out on bail…

"Guess what children!"

"Oh no she's back!" the children chorused.

"Shut up, you stupid children." She paused. "ANYWAYS! We're going on a school trip to the zoo. You need to get your permission slips signed by your parents or guardians and then we'll be on our way." … pause… "Why the hell aren't you moving? Go get them signed!"

The kids looked confused… but filed out of the classroom anyways.

On the way home, the Akatsuki discussed the field trip they would soon be attending.

"I get to ride the giraffesssss!" Zetsu seemed overly exicted.

"I'm a pirana." Kisame giggled.

"I'll name the elephants, yeah!"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME HOME?"

"Sorry!" The kids all went in their own directions to their own houses…

--

**END LAWL.**

**This is what it looks like when I force humor out of myself.**

**I realized that I hadn't updated since 2006… so I decided it was about time oO; **

**Sorry about the crappy chapter. Yeah. I forced myself to write this so it probably isn't as funny as my others… not that I'm saying they're funny… that would be modest… or humble… or whatever the hell it is. I'M NOT FULL OF MYSELF DX.**

**Uh review and bash me pls.**

**And no, you're not allowed to Saso and Dei. TT**

**-Misa- **


	6. Operation: Tobi's tale

**So I think it's about time I updated this thing again. It's 1:53am. I work tomorrow. I hope its worth it. lol. Okay. **

**Okay so I wrote that first sentence like a month ago, or before, and lol at it being 1:41 am now.**

**I hope I don't ditch tonight, or in one month it'll be like, 1:30am and I'll be trying to finish this again.**

"I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.. I know a song that will get on your nerves AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!" Deidara and Zetsu were starting to get bored. The bus ride to the zoo was so long. It had already been about fifteen minutes and there was still another ten to go. How unfair was that; making them sit that long?

"SILENCE... I kill you!" Hidan yelled. He had this new obsession with a dead terrorist named Achmed. A...C..phlegm...

Yeah.

Click-click, click-click, click-click, click-click.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK--UH, FUDGE UP." The teacher screamed from the front.

Click-click, click-click.

Cl--"Hey, what was that for??" Itachi asked, as Kakuzu snatched the pen away from him.

"Hidan said that if you don't shut the -hic- up he'll come over here and slice your -hic-ing head off."

"I DIDN'T SAY HIC, I SAID FUCK, YOU FUCKTARD."

Click-click, click-click, click-click.

"OKAY I GET IT. IT'S ANNOYING. STOP IT. STOP STOP STOP."

All of the sudden, the bus pulled to as stop. The kindergarteners all rushed to the door like a crazy herd of--

"IT'S A RED LIGHT, YOU DOUCHEBAGS. SIT BACK DOWN." screamed the teacher. "FIVE MORE MINUTES TO GO!"

"Five more minutes. We're never getting out of here!" Zetsu wailed. "My plant hasn't seen any light for like, tens of minutes. I'M GOING TO WILT I TELL YOU. My plant is gonna die then I'll never become one with it and grow up to be a creepy baby eater. CATASTROPHE!!"

"We must devise a plan to get out of here." Leader said, waving over the kindergarteners, who were definitely allowed to walk around on the bus. Everyone crowded around him, even people who were definitely not invited.

"Itachi, go and open that window. But do it stealthily."

"Uh, why?" Itachi asked.

"SO WE CAN CLIMB OUT OF IT YOU DICKWAD." Hidan yelled.

"I HEARD THAT, YOU RETARD." the teacher yelled back.

"So much for that plan," Leader said slowly, while rubbing his chin. "Perhaps we should uh...Itachi go do it anyways."

"'Kay." Itachi got up, and opened the window.

"Now climb out of it." Leader ordered.

"No way."

"I WILL." Kisame shrieked, and went flying out of the window head first.

"Uh, maybe he should of waited for the bus to stop, and then uh...climbed out of the bus, and then uh...tried to land on his feet."

"LOLGUYS, I JUST SAW KISAME GET HIT BY A CAR."

--

About 1 minute and 30 seconds later, the bus rolled to a complete stop and the children filed out of the car. The teacher tried to count heads, failed, and led everyone through the gates.

"Now stay away from animals if they're out of the cage. You may get eaten. Mamed, destroyed. We'll find your head li--anyways, HAVE FUN KIDS. DISPERSE."

Letting kids free in a zoo is probably not that safe, considering a few of them believed they were assassins.

The members one less a Kisame gathered together.

"So whats the plan?" Itachi asked the leader.

"We will go look at the panda bears, yeah."

"NO. We'll go to the exotic plants section."

"Nah, lets go to the killer bees.."

"What the hell is wrong with all of you? We're OBVIOUSLY going to Marine-land. To see the WHALES."

"I think we should go to the sealife section." Leader said, a grin on his face.

"YEAH YEAH YEAH!" Zetsu cheered. "But why?"

"We need to find ourselves a new Kisame."

"I'm a pirana."

"Oh hi Kisame. Never mind that. Lets go assassinate a tiger, or that guy with the really bad hair."

"THATS NOT VERY STEALTHY!!" Hidan screamed.

"Now its not, anyways. I've got an idea. Let's teach Tobi how to talk."

"Tobi is a good boy."

And so, the quest began.

I wonder what kind of animals Tobi likes yeah.." Deidara questioned.

"Tobi is a good boy."

"His tone of voice hints that he likes giraffes."

"TO THE GIRAFFES!" And so thats where they head.

After five minutes of the kids pathetically trying to extend their necks to the length of the giraffes, everyone took a turn at Tobi.

"Say "I like Giraffes" yeah"

"Tobi is a good boy."

"Say GIRAFFES really loudly."

"Tobi is a good boy."

"IF YOU DON'T SAY GIRAFFE, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHOOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER."

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

"This isn't working." Itachi pointed out.

"Tobi is a good boy."

"To the monkeys."

"GAW GAW GAW GAW GAW GAW GAW" A loud, very odd laugh was coming from some odd direction.

"Gaw gaw gawd, it must be OROCHIMARU!!" Sasori gasped. "WHAT WILL I DO? OH NO! DOES MY HAIR LOOK OKAY?"

"Looks great Sasori."

"I have come to ambush your little parade!" Orochimaru said, in a really creepy voice.

"He has come to ambush your little parade like totally!" Sasuke became a wannabe valley girl.

"Tobi!" Orochimaru said loudly. "Say "Tobi is a good boy!!"

"Good boy, Tobi is!"

"YODA? YODA? WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN OVER TOBI'S BODY?" Zetsu asked, while wandering off in some odd direction. He looked kinda like a looney, like the kinds you'll see riding old granny bikes past you in Toronto. It srsly happened yesterday..and that homeless guy touched wendy's thigh oo lol good times. BACK TO THE STORY.

"Tobi say TOBI IS NOT A GOOD BOY!"

"Tobi a is good boy."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP. TALK. BUT NOT TOBI IS A GOOD BOY."

"Tobi is a fucking good boy."

"HE DID IT HE DID IT, YEAH!" Deidara screamed enthusiastically.

"Nope, that was me." Kakuzu looked pretty pleased with himself.

"Tobi, say something OTHER THAN tobi is a good boy."

"Tobi is a good boy."

"He said no," Leader translated.

"I'M STILL HERE!" Orochimaru waved.

"HE'S TOTALLY STILL HERE!" Sasuke mirrored. Sort of.

"SUP." they greeted back, and then returned to badgering Tobi.

"KONNICHIPA. KONNICHIPA. KON KON NICHI NICHI KONICHI PA. KONNICHI PAPA KONNICHIPA. KONNICHI PAPA KONICHI PAAAAAAA--"

"TOBI WILL NOT BE A GOOD BOY ANYMORE WHEN HE IS THROUGH WITH THAT PHONE." Tobi screamed.

"DUDE. DUDE YOU DID IT DUDE." Leader yelled enthusastically. "DUDE!"

"Thanks Orochimaru!" Everyone said, considering Orochimaru's cell phone was what went off at that point. What an annoying fucking ringtone.

"Oh shit."

"Oh shit, like, totally!"

"Sasuke, I'm telling mom next time you swear." Itachi threatened.

"Oh no you didn't!!"

"LETS GO HOME."

--

**Okay so.**

**I'm not really following Naruto anymore, so I don't want to bring in Konan/call Leader Pein. It would be too much for me honestly.**

**This chapter wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be.**

**I'm serious guys when I say this.**

**HELLO! PROJECT WHAT?**

**If you are my fan, you will listen to Yuke Yuke Monkey Dance by Berryz Koubou. **

**The next chapter will be better I promise, and it WILL come, so please dont give up on me!**

**-Misa-**


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